The process of One-ness

My beloved is mine, and I am his.  Song of Solomon 2:16

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.  Genesis 2:24

One of the most important issues that my husband and I have encountered from people regarding their marriages is the concept of one-ness.  How is it possible that two individuals can become one and what does that really mean?  I must say that one-ness is a beautiful mystery.  The mystery to one-ness is that it happens in two parts.  In the sight of God it happens immediately, at the time a man and woman join in marriage, but in our human-ness it is a process, because we are still indeed individuals.

I love how my husband and I protect our marriage.  That's one of the benefits of one-ness.  One of the ways in which we protect our marriage is by maintaining privacy.  This is a critical lesson for newlyweds and seasoned couples.  Do not share intimate or sensitive information with other people, no matter how close you think they are.  If my husband and I have a disagreement, I do not go to friends or family to discuss the matter.  There are certain dangers in that.  First, friends and family are not always able to keep a healthy balance and remain unbiased in their assessment of what has happened.  Second, long after the disagreement is over between me and my husband, my family may still remember the issue and hold it against him.  So after we have returned to loving each other, they are still harboring bad feelings.  What's worse is that the bad feelings they have toward him, are not theirs to have.  They are trying to be loyal to me, and I'm well past the issue.  Please, both partners, learn this lesson early.  If you and your mate are able to find a counselor, that would be preferred over friends and family as confidants.  It protects your marriage relationship and your relationships with family and friends.

The marriage bed is undefiled.  One-ness includes having respect unto your spouse concerning all their needs, physically and otherwise.  Do not neglect your spouse's physical needs, as the scripture states, "My beloved is mine, and I am his."  When we give and take in marriage, we take on the responsibility of meeting our partner's needs.  I would never want my husband to go outside our marriage to fulfill his desires.  That became part of my responsibility when we joined together, just as it is his responsibility unto me.  This is one of the most special things that develops in marriage and I consider it precious. If you trust one another and consider it a pleasure to make each other happy, you grow in a special, private way that is just yours to know and experience.  Most people have heard about that proverbial "look from across a crowded room", but it doesn't have to be a crowded room, it can be anywhere.  There are many times that my husband and I are in church and the minister says something that is relative to us that only we know about.  He can look across the pew at me and I at him and we "know".  I love that secret "knowing" in our relationship.

I thank God for one-ness.  I thank Him for creating us with the desire to be connected to other people.  I love the fact that we continue to grow and change and learn from the experiences we have throughout our lives, and that we can share those lessons with others to make their lives better.  I hope this helps someone understand that one-ness is a process.  It takes time and it requires patience, but it's well worth the work!

 

A Wedding does not a Marriage make!

In the first year of my marriage, when my husband and I were getting to know each other as husband and wife, I remember waking up one morning, looking over at him and saying to myself, "Oh, my God, what have I done".  I remember that in that moment he didn't even resemble the person I had dated and fell in love with.  We hadn't had an argument or anything, it was just a morning like every other morning, but somehow everything felt wrong, like I had made a terrible mistake.  I have since learned that this is common among newlyweds.  All of sudden you look at the life you're living and the person you've agreed to join yourself with forever and everything seems foreign.  Nothing feels right.  When this happens (and it will happen), don't panic. This is a normal occurrence and it will pass.  Hopefully it passes before you do something that you will regret.

I tell this story because often times couples don't prepare for the marriage as much as they prepare for the wedding.  That is a mistake.  There are many parties and events that lead up to a wedding: the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelor/bachelorette parties, the rehearsal dinner, etc.  During these events your friends and family gather around to celebrate the happy couple.  Then there is the wedding, the BIG EVENT.  Family that you haven't seen in years or maybe that you don't even know arrive with gifts in hand to celebrate your nuptials.  After the wedding, you and your spouse go on a romantic honeymoon possibly to an exotic destination.  All is blissful.  When you come home you might have a small party with close family and friends to show off your tan and your honeymoon pictures and open your wedding gifts.  Then it's over, no more parties, it's just you and your spouse.  Now it's time to learn how to be married.  No one can tell you exactly what this is like because everyone is different.  I can tell you that for me it was a strange feeling.  I felt very adult all of a sudden and I felt a sense of responsibility that I hadn't known before.

There was a newness that was exciting but there was an awkwardness that we hadn't expected.  We had to learn each other's habits that we hadn't discovered during the dating process and we had to find a certain rhythm to living together.  I can't stress enough that this is a process.  It usually doesn't happen immediately. There were times that we experienced that awkward silence that everyone hates.  All of this is normal.  If you experience these things, don't think you've made a mistake.  These are things that seasoned couples don't always share with engaged couples.  Sometimes it's because they've been forgotten and sometimes there simply are more critical things to share.  I always share this information because when it happened to me, I panicked.  I questioned my decision to marry and I thought that maybe I really didn't love my husband.

Needless to say, I overreacted.  It was a momentary event.  I'm sure that it was probably the next day that my husband and I layed down to go to sleep and I snuggled up next to him and thought, "this is the best place in the world."  I will admit that even now, after all these years, when we snuggle up to go to sleep, I still tell him that "this is the best place in the world" and I still mean it.